Fall

The smell of the wet earth,

The chill in the air,

The crunch of the leaves,

Fall is here.

                                 

 Burnt Orange and Brown,

Pumpkins and Scarecrows,

Hot apple cider,

Whip cream on my nose.

 Memories of cold rain,

 One candy filled night,

Excitement and wonder,

It just feels right.

Anticipating carols and lights,

Of snow and snowmen,

The time is coming,

When we celebrate Him.

I love this time of year,

It means Thanksgiving,

Laughter, family, food,

Loving and living.

Original Poem by: Missy Kolander

Illustration by: Missy Kolander

Photo: unknown

Sanctus Real - Lead Me (Slideshow With Lyrics)

Just purging the battle

It seems to get harder. I think that if we dream of a different opportunity then it overcomes our reality. We long for it in such a way that today is a little gloomier not having reached that goal. I have considered myself a pretty positive person, generally cheery, even through bouts of post pardon I have seen the silver lining. I just discipline myself to focus on the blessings, to focus on my baby, and then I know that some day things will be better. I am sure that this day is the "better" that I dreamed of in the past. I am sure that my reality is improving. How can I be so sure and still feel so upset? I miss you.
God has blessed us with the job you have so I can stay with Rylee, so I am thankful and yet, isn't there a different job, another way for us to be together more? I am in a battle with myself. I feel like I'm doing something wrong by feeling this way. Like I need to be a strong front and be here missing you but not showing it. Then you don't feel bad for having to spend such long hours away from us. I know my intention isn't to make you feel bad. I am so in love with you my best friend. We have been able to work and live together before, twice in fact and couldn't have been happier. Now, that we are both following the Lord and have made so many life style changes, now is the time.. Well, not God's timing. I ultimately want His will and timing. I know if we force the changes it won't be as sweet as if He managed it. I always tell others just wait on the Lord. He is moving the people and situations to create the perfect position for you. Well, I am doing that. I am actively searching for a solution. Online jobs, etc...
 I am so glad for the long vacation you were able to take. It felt so right for us to be together so much. What a lovely time we had. Of course, it was a paid vacation. So, in reality there couldn't be a place on this earth in this life like that. No work and all loving time spent with family. But I do know there is a place here in this life where you can make the money you do, (it will never be enough to keep you from us 12-13 hours a day) and you can work less and still provide for us to all be together.
Maybe we aren't smart enough to know where to look. Maybe we aren't risky enough to go after a dream. Maybe our credit is just too bad at this stage to really do anything big, like get a loan and start a business. Who knows, could just be our humanness that drives us to always higher heights. Then again maybe it is the God in us that pushes us to excel. I like to think we are created in His image and that is the unseen force that creates a desire in us for perfection.

I will just choose to Thank God for all He has done in us and to accept where we are in this season. I will ask for His wisdom and strength, knowing that if I can keep my eyes on Him all things will be as He intends. That not only is good-enough for me it is sufficient for my heart to be content. I have a beautiful, loving husband who is seeking God. I have a healthy, happy 1yr old.

I just had another thought and I guess this purge isn't quite over. There are people in my family that I was raised with, and grew to love that have been in tragic accidents lately. This has made me reevaluate my life and what is important to me. I made a huge change in my life's direction and really put both feet on the narrow path, yet haven't recovered these relationships yet. When I walked away from the Lord, ran more like, I left behind those dear. Of course at the time I was being selfish, and chasing after a life that was all about immediate pleasure. Parties, sex, drugs and money, lots of it. Anyway, I long for the time back. I wish for it, although that may be naive. I love my siblings, but now I feel like an only child. I feel closer to my husbands siblings. I want it all. I want my family restored and my husband to work from home, or both of us to for that matter. I want my sister to be healed, my sister in law too, and for my father in law to be in a better way financially. I am praying for all these things. I thank God that He is in control and that He is making these things happen. I am thanking God for the restoration of my relationship with my step-mom, and that my biological mom is following Him. Well, I think that is about it. Gotta get to the baby!

Blessings and I know all will be right when the trumpet sounds...

Dream Weaver

I believe that dreams can tell a lot about a person. I have tried to get into the dream interpretation books, but there was always something in them that turned me off. Recently I saw a program on a christian station and a real life, now a days prophet, Bryan Carroway, was talking about dream interpretations and prophesy. The Living Bible talks about interpretation of dreams all through. A couple examples are Gideon in Judges chapter 7, and Daniel interpreting for King Nebuchadnezzar in Daniel chapter 2 and Joseph interpreting the Pharaoh's dreams in Genesis and so on, there are over 25 different dream references. The Holy Spirit uses this modern day man, Bryan Carroway to interpret dreams too, how cool is that? Now I don't know If I completely understand it all, I just know I have a better feeling about it coming from a man who is after the heart of God than some super spiritual new wave thinking.

I also come from a native American ancestry which sometimes it is appealing to research what my ancestors thought about dreams and in some cases it can be very interesting, however I am an all-in kind of gal and I can't get all into it either.

I had a dream last night and I woke up from it with this emotional over load, like I do whenever I have a similar dream. I wanted to write about it because I believe God has given me incite into it and for the first time I considered the environment I was in. Okay so now to what I was dreaming and what I thought about it after some reflection.

The reoccurring theme is that my husband Kris is doing something with a much younger woman. This time he was kissing her and when I reacted, since I am always right there in the room. It is ridiculous, and then he responds with this I don't give a crap about you attitude and it is his way of "breaking up" with me. Do these things seem juvenile? That's because they are. This dream didn't indicate that we were married or had a child, instead it felt like the break ups and pain of high school or college even. I realized that in the dream we had gone to college classes and were in social situations that pointed to a time 10+ years ago. So, here is my great insight. I think God is showing me that my emotional level is about college maturity when it comes to my relationship with my husband. I remember some really immature situations in these similar dreams and when I would wake up and cry "because it was so real" I would tell my husband and he almost chuckled because it is so high school or close to that mentality. If this doesn't make since, that's okay. I know that God wanted me to write about it so someone is supposed to relate. I also can see that it is an area that needs maturing. I don't mind telling you that I still feel a little insecure at times and I notice if a lady turns my husbands head and he tries so hard not to gawk but I still find myself trying to compare. I know I can rely on God for this, because I have come this far. A lot of times if you are abused growing up, mentally, emotionally and verbally, in the home or in your romantic relationships, you have an underdeveloped emotional and mental awareness when it comes to your relationships. I have always said the wrong thing at the wrong time and I am so thankful to know that I have more to learn so that I don't have to think I should have it all figured out by now! Whew... Blessings in the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Click on the link below to hear Dream weaver live.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5wLukxxHgE

Heaven's Gain

I'm feeling torn. I have even more of a longing to go to heaven now that my Meme has joined my Papa there. I'm teetering on the edge of hysteria and sound peace that God is dancing with her now. My humanness is so evident when I'm faced with losing my dear grandma, it is clear in my random wailing. Our missionary from Ecuador was just preaching about it on Sunday. Blessed are those who mourn. I love you meme. If only a single tear could bring her back and make things as they were before she lost her understanding. Her hugs and smiles. So glad that the last time I saw her I was able to see her smile and hear her speak. "There is your baby!" That's the last thing she said to me. I am so thankful for that. My stomach aches for my sweet mother. Just one reflection in the mirror of my Meme's life. She was so brave to call me last night even though she was only able to give me the news before she choked up and had to hang up. All I could do was focus on Rylee and get her to sleep. Then I was able to lay in my husbands gentle arms and weep. I was able to see Meme as she was in a dream the night before and she said goodbye to me. I know God allowed me to know when she would go. I knew before the phone rang. I knew she had entered Heaven and there was a great celebration for her coming home. It won't be long now, Meme and we will all be joining you.

It is amazing to think of all the incredible people who simply would not be if not for her. I am honestly too exhausted to count and name them all, but in short, 4 children, 12 grandchildren and a vast amount of great-grandchildren. I love you all, my family, and I know you are feeling this loss as much as I. Meme brought us together on the occasional holiday and Aunt Suzy is trying to do the same, and succeeding! Let's keep it up. We need each other.

Blessings to you all. And God's comfort and peace to you too. Amen

God is always faithful.

I thought it is early why am I up, and then I looked at my sleeping family and thought hey I could blog! I'm diggin it!

Yesterday my husband and baby and I went to breakfast at Corner Cafe. Our plan was to grab some breakfast, go to Wal Mart and then Whole Foods and be done. Our dad didn't go in that direction. At breakfast everyone ooh and aah at Rylee, she is really cute, and happened to be very content. I believe she is a people watcher like her folks. I indulged and ordered the breakfast I used to eat all the time and all day regretted it. Lets just say I only wanted to taste the bacon once... We were on the way to Wal Mart, but for some reason our A/C wasn't working! Great! All the sudden, and we have to shop because there is literally nothing at home to eat.

Freon charge was the first thing I thought, and then started to think we would have to go to a shop for this. I called my dad and he said find someone you trust. I called Metcalf Auto who we lease the car from and they said sure come on in we will do it for you free of charge! This is where I began to understand that God was leading us.

Kris has been trying to get us into a newer car for months. We have spent his days off, a number of times, at dealerships. With rejection after rejection I began to cringe at the idea of going to any dealership whenever he brought it up. I know our wagon was about to give out, it had been over heating and needed breaks, these things we weren't ready to afford. I had been staying home more often in order to avoid being stranded some where. A little while back Kris was told by Metcalf Auto that if we got our balance down under 3000 they would get us into a newer car. We happened to still owe 2500 or so, and just for the "fun" started to stroll the lot while we waited for A/C to be restored to the wagon. We test drove a car we thought we might want and when we came back to the lot there was a awesome black Jeep Liberty Sport in it's place. We took that out next. 2003 with 113 thousand miles on it for 12.995.

So we are making the same payments each month. They paid off the extra 2500 we owed on the Saturn. They took the crap-ass Saturn, and we drove out of there in a Jeep! I love confirmation too. I get it by listening to the people around me and I believe God has always spoken to me in this way. One of the guys said we were really lucky because they don't normally have newer than 2000 on the lot and also never a jeep. I know there were other things that gave me peace, I'm sure I will think of them later! For now, I just keep looking out my window and seeing the jeep in the drive way. Thank you Lord for providing us a vehicle. Please do the same for my little brother and sister. AMEN  

Writing when I'm tired

The title was a forewarning. My little family is asleep so, I saw the opportunity to get in here and just write. I played with the idea of putting my blogs in a "box". You know, just write something from a picture I took. However, I am digging the idea of talking about things I may be able to add pictures to after. I don't know, call it eclectic or extreme abstrationism. This is how my art teachers described me in college.. What does it all mean? I must be different, or at the very least, how I express myself creatively is very different.

Last night we were cooking chicken and my husband wanted to pour salsa over it, then asked if I had any suggestions. I remembered an Indian style cooking show I recently watched with some great spice combos. I took over. I felt excited to experiment. I added Turmeric, Cinnamon, Thyme, Mint, Cumin, and salt/pepper. I added a little oil and lemon juice (just a sprinkle) and cooked it till the chicken was done and chunked it into smaller pieces. We have been getting more and more creative with our chicken, because I enjoy new things, variety, and we eat a lot of chicken now. I wish I liked fish... Any who, I also made brown rice with peas in it. I added a little Worcestershire sauce, Karo syrup, and Dijon mustard to it. I know it sounds gross but I saw the combo on a barbecue show to make BBQ sauce. Then I put it all in the same pan and fried it together.  It turned out great, and my husband ended up finishing mine.

Didn't think I'd be typing a cooking lesson, but there I go again, got to teach someone something!

I have been thinking a bit about friendship lately. Some say that a real friend is someone who will take the time to sit with you and listen. I think I have a hard time opening up because when I do, I get bombarded by suggestions and then I get all defensive like "I know what I'm doing". Even though I don't. I would be more apt, I think, to take suggestions if someone would listen first... Just a thought. I am glad that I can turn to Jesus. He always listens. I feel the need though for a close fellowship with another believer.(other than my mom and husband of course. Does that make me sound spoiled?) I have been praying for it and I know He is preparing someone to be able to handle me! A friend, which I think He may be resurrecting from my past. I just have to hang in and trust that God is leading me in the right direction.

I better get some more sleep.

More Later

I have to make it a habit!

It is a need, I have said it before! I'm always writing in my mind, and I used to keep three journals at one time. A prayer journal, a daily journal, and a journal of letters I am writing to Rylee. I haven't even pulled them out since I moved here at the beginning of April.

The days are eking away, I am thinking about how Rylee is almost 10 months. Sitting here sipping my very strong, black, french roast, I can't wait till she wakes up so I can sing the good morning song. I always ask her if she had dreams, and what she dreamed about. I know one day she will be able to tell me. I take a little comfort in that she cannot at this time. My little baby girl. My sweetie. Sugar face is what I love to call her, because I can't keep my lips from it. I miss her when she sleeps. I think, especially on mornings like this one, that she must be growing, sleeping so long.

I have been feeling overly tired lately. I have also been toying with the thought of getting pregnant again. My body reminds me of what I cannot handle now. I am excited at the thought though, some day.

I also feel like I need to go in so many directions right now. My mom is sharing the last weeks with her mother and I am feeling like I am maybe missing out on something. I want to see my dad every day. I wish I were closer to Kris' family, as they seem like my own, and I feel the empty space of them. I want to be here for my mother, she needs me.... I just don't want to lose any of them. I want to feel like we are all going to be together for all eternity, and I know this is true in my head and in my heart. I just can't shake this longing for them. I am excited for Rylee's birthday, this event will bring those I hold dear close enough to squeeze.

My pastor says it is okay to grieve your youth. Is that what I am doing? I think about getting older and inevitably my folks do to. My mom talks about  her insurance and how she will make the "arrangements". Sigh.....

I want to focus on the excitement of Rylee's first time doing everything. I want to just be thrilled. At times this is exactly how it is. Then, I'm a little solemn. Sad that my dad has not seen where I live yet, and I guess that is feeling sorry for myself. Well, I have plenty of flaws, and I am sure that with time and some pruning I will sprout a beautiful new way of thinking. I am already understanding so much more about Grace.

Did you know that when Christ died for us he over-paid for our sin? See the payment isn't based on the value of our sin, but on God's value of Jesus' life! That is like billions paid for a hundred thousand dollar debt!

Did you know that because of the over-flow of Grace pored out for us through Jesus' death, we are no longer under the law? You cannot be under the law and under Grace! If you know Jesus as your Lord then you are under grace! Ultimately that means that you cannot "do" anything for what He is "freely" giving! You just thank Him for he has abundance for you where ever you need it. Don't ask, thank Him that He is already provided! What a concept.

Check out Joseph Prince Ministries. He is a pastor of a church in Singapore. The congregation is over 20,000. My husband is reading his book Destined to Reign.

Blessings,
More Later

Carol Wimmer Wrote this poem!

Christians

                                                                  

By Carol Wimmer 

'A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ

That a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean livin''

I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.

I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.

I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.

I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,

My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain..

I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,

I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Pretty is as Pretty does... But beautiful is just plain beautiful!

I can't sleep

My first blog was about my cat, because I needed something safe to write about, and I needed to get the saliva going. My mouth waters when I think about writting, not unlike when I think

about chocolate. I love to write, and tonight I find comfort in it.

 I found out this evening that a

childhood friend of mine passed away. Really I should say went to be with the Lord. Lucky girl. I

will see her again. She lived for Jesus. Not like these fake I will be nice to you people, she

would talk about her weakness and then talk about the strength she found in God. She was a

great example to us in our youth group. Steady, like consistant. You could pretty much guess

where she stood on about everything. Well, I miss you Kelly, never really stopped missing you,

and now I know I never will. I remember many things, and from that time, a lot I have forgotten. I

loved her though. I called her my best friend. Makes me wonder how she saw me, but I feel

convicted that even thinking of myself right now is disrespectful to the life she lead. Selfless. I

just pray God that you will bring her husband and four beautiful kids all the peace that

surpasses understanding. I also ask the same for the Michelson clan, they are awsome, course

you know that, they all know You....

Boo Boo

Something was missing, and I needed to discover what it was. One day while walking our dog, Music, I realized that we needed to find him a friend. I would pace with him in front of the glass windows, wondering if my husband would ever go for another addition to our perfect little pack. I saw her beautiful tail first. It was so fluffy and puffy! I knew she had to be a she. Would they get along, Music and her I mean. I started to imagine it and then I became obsessed! Everyday I would be excited to take him to see her. Would she still be there in the window? Did someone adopt her already? At first she would come up to the window and greet us by putting her little paws up and sliding down the glass. Back and forth she and Music would walk. Then out of the blue she just wasn't herself. All sad looking in the corner, she didn't even come over to say hi. I was concerned. She was just recovering from being spayed. It didn't last long, she was back to herself in no time. Soon, she was expecting us, and my heart began to expect her. I just couldn't stand it any more, and I know Music felt the same. We had to ask her to join our family, before someone else did, but how to get Daddy into the idea. Well, it was very easy, once he saw them together, through the glass. It was meant to be, and we three became four. Now I can't imagine life with out our beautiful long-haired calico.